Resume of Bailey the dog

January 19, 2011

Rocky the Raccoon, early on in the deconstruction process

Let me introduce myself: My name is Bailey and I'm a dog. I would like to submit myself for a position testing dog toys. In addition to having a lot of time on my paws (and costing my owners a fair amount in food and treats), I believe I am uniquely qualified to test your toys.

Rocky had no idea what he was in for when he entered my domain on Christmas day

You see, I can destroy toys in record time. Whether it's filing down my teeth or my acidic saliva (I'll never give away my secret to success!), I am able to get apart toys that claim to be "indestructible" with little effort. I am very dedicated to such tasks and rarely let anything take my focus away. I am also singularly focused in that I never destroy anything I'm not meant to. 'Coons. Baby Opossums. They're asking for it. 

The beginning phase: testing durability

Let me tell you a little bit about my process. First, I shake it around a good bit to test general durability and to see if there are any immediately obvious weaknesses. This step is especially important in the case of animals, to ensure they are stunned enough and won't try to escape.

Rocky's starting to show his weakness at the seams

Then I get down to work, tearing at seams and undoing thread. Many times, this is surprisingly easy and deconstruction can begin almost immediately. Ballistic nylon and 'tiger tough' are no match for me. 

My owners acknowledging my work. What a good dog I am!

Once I've had my initial success with the animal, er, toy, I parade it around a bit so that you will know it is me who conquered that beast. Any subsequent destruction goes fairly quickly, as I've figured out how best to get it apart. 

Rocky put up a bit of a fight, but I got the best of him in the end

My experience/qualifications: 4+ years of destruction, including at least three toys claiming to be tested by tigers, about 5 tug-o-war ropes (multiple knots untied and unraveled), one car harness and one baby opossum. I can discern in the first 10 minutes whether or not it's something I can conquer, and let's just say, I have yet to meet my match.

The last appendage - only a matter of time

Since I spend a lot of my time napping in my doughnut bed, I'm looking for flexible work hours and deadlines. My owners, impressed as they are at my destructive nature with toys, are more than happy to provide timelines and photographic evidence for your records. I hope my work can one day help more dogs to receive truly long-lasting toys for more than 15 minutes of chewing pleasure.

All that remains of Rocky...

Note: I've included photos from my most recent conquest: Rocky the Raccoon. Supposedly, he was made of ballistic nylon and the saleslady assured my grandma that this was the toy for a dog as skilled as myself at destruction. I think this is the perfect representation of my work, and therefore, look forward to hearing from you soon. 

Remember - Bailey for all your toy-testing needs!

*All typing courtesy of my owner. It's one of the few skills I have not mastered.
**Daily Drop Cap by Jessica Hische